Friday, 13 November 2009

A One Eyed Dug

One night when i was 19 i got blootered on about 8 pints of McEwan's Export wi rum and coke chasers then went home and smoked a few bongs wi ma flatmates. I whiteyed. Next morn i woke up rough as broken biscuits, scraped the smell o booze off ma teeth and crawled off to get the bus to work (accounts department, Scottish Gas, Granton).

Halfway down Pennywell Road i felt shaky sweats and had the sinking realisation that a big bad spew was in the post. I made the bus doors just as the gut heaved and the insides o ma cheeks filled wi vile fizzy barf. The doors swung open, i chucked in the gutter and swayed towards a lamppost outside the Gunner Bar. Then i really got into the swing o the whole projectile vomiting thing.

Bent round a lamppost, throwin up ma ring i was aware of passing school kids havin a laugh and takin the piss right outta me. I didnae care, just wanted to die really. Then i thought a bairn had grabbed me round the waist but, as i twisted ma neck for a swatch, realised i'd been jumped by a big slavery dug. This wisnae good.

So i hooked ma heel under the dug's face and booted it backwards off me. Relief turned very sharply to horror when i glanced back to see a grey muzzled, one eyed brute with its bright pink cock most definitely ootnaboot. I'm sure it licked its lips as it rolled onto its back, took aim and gushed doggy spunk over ma face, hair and spew ridden suit.

I got straight back on a bus home and phoned the work. My maw was a telephonist at the gas board for 20 years and of course it was she who answered my call. I spewed again when she told me the whole place was buzzin wi news of the summer temp who'd been sick in the street and molested by a dug.

Mothers shouldnae have to hear stuff like that about their boys.


  1. Great, great story. I am sorry to laugh at your pain but you tell it so well. Only a Scotsman could, with such ease, say something like " the insides o ma cheeks filled wi vile fizzy barf."

    Hilarious. Love it.

  2. lol, great story.
    "vile fizzy barf!!" ew. lol

    Hangovers are the worst.

  3. You just brightened up my week. Cheers Naldo, a virtual pint on me, just the one mind.

  4. Great story. I might have to steal it a wee bit.

  5. "it licked its lips as it rolled onto its back, took aim and gushed doggy spunk over ma face"


    FFS Naldo, peeing yourself at cub scouts, lusting after cartoon characters... where does it end?

    Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Jees, if that was that morning after, what happened the night before?!!

    Great story!

  7. .....Great story Naldo. Got me thinking about a post title ....'Inappropriate Places I Have Spewed'.
    Of course the absolute pits is when your gob fills, you manage to stop and you have to swallow it all again.........been there!

  8. SO funny! Thanks for sharing your total humiliation a bit further!

  9. Glad y'all had a wee titter bout this. Peeps who've heard this before reckon i didnae tell it very well here. Pah! I'm super busy or sleepy/grumpy the noo so havenae time for tellin true tales well. Sorry.

    Anyway, this is one of many humiliations i've had in ma puff. Might relate a few more when i've nowt better to chat about.

    This was a spectacularly unenjoyable experience but it taught me that bad shit doesnae last forever and when it's over you can often laugh like fuck about it. I try to remember that when times are grim.

  10. Barry... Made me laugh and made my day

    Nice one Naldo

  11. Very funny - sorry! fizzy barf -ewwwwwyuck.